Since the Donut is a suburban area, there are several nice parks for the citizens to enjoy from dawn until dusk. As is the case in most US cities, there is a city ordinance that prohibits people from entering the park during the nighttime. The intention of the ordinance is to protect the property and equipment from vandalism and it provides the police department with authority to issue citations for violating the ordinance.
In over a decade of experience in the Donut, a night shift officer that saw a vehicle inside a city park after hours has typically been able to make one of two assumptions. Either the vehicle is occupied by folks who are engaging in a sexual escapade of some variety, or the occupants are using some form of drug, most commonly marijuana.
Of course these two were not the only reasons for finding people in the park at night, but they were certainly the most typical results found by an officer who decided to check the offending vehicle. Given that the officer found no criminal activity, typically the vehicle and its occupants were sent away without anything other than a reminder about the park hours.
About a week ago, things changed. A new scourge has taken hold in the Donut as hordes of socially awkward millennials have abandoned their parents’ basements and descended into the area in search of a fix. Apparently this “fix” is easier to find when the sun sets, as the single-minded masses congregate in prohibited areas like our parks with faces solidly affixed to the glowing screens of smartphones.
Fearing that the neighborhood parks were being overrun by miscreants with nefarious intent, citizens began calling to report the presence of groups inside our parks after sunset. At the peak of one of our busiest seasons for call volume, officers have consistently been dispatched to these calls only to find that the only balls being displayed were those of an electronic variety, and the drug is the pursuit of “them all”.
Officers who have engaged in conversation with these individuals have been faced with an almost unsurmountable language barrier as the suspicious persons have used words such as Zubats, Paras, whirls, and Pokéstops as though the officers should understand what the hell they are talking about. After explaining the ordinance in regards to park hours and informing the offenders that it is time to leave, many officers have been questioned as to whether or not the individual can continue to search for more “balls” in spite of the ordinance, “you know, just this one time, pretty please?”
According to a confidential informant, there is a large vortex of nerdom in the Donut that has drawn folks from near and far in search of these things called “Pokéballs” and “Pikachu”. Unbeknownst to the police department, many a crazed battle has been waged in our parks during the evening hours.
As a result of this virtual violence in our parks, DCPD Chief Stu Pidasso has instituted a zero-tolerance policy and disseminated public information statements to the media through our PIO, Captain Isa Stammers. Chief Pidasso is seeking grant money to provide training and resources to our officers in an effort to drive these folks back into their parents’ basements where they belong.
In response to the police department’s stance, a local opposition group calling themselves Lambda Lambda Lambda or “Tri-Lamb” has arisen. Their leaders, Lewis Skolnick and Dudley Dawson have been quoted as saying that the enforcement of a long standing ordinance for park hours is “not fair” and ”no one will truly be free until nerd persecution ends” in between sips of Mountain Dew Code Red and Cheetos. Skolnick and Dawson also added that “the police department’s role is to protect and serve all, including nerds”, and that “our parents pay your salaries”.
Chief Pidasso’s public statement has recently been bolstered by the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Pokémon (PETP) who have spoken out against the capture of electronic “pocket monsters” and subsequently forcing them to engage in battles. In her statement, PETP spokesperson Moonflower said “I know it’s not cool to like the police, but Pokémon have feelings too, so we support anyone who will keep them from being captured and forced into being electronic gladiators”.
Our world is a strange place, and it’s only getting worse. Surely the Donut isn’t the only place to have been invaded by crazed Pokémon Go players. I’ve already had my fill, and plenty of odd conversations with these folks, how about you?
Time to go patrol the Donut…