Cops love to complain, it’s just what we do. The folks we deal with on a daily basis, both on calls and within the agency give us plenty of material. Lawmakers, attorneys, and the media bring their own unique flavors to the daily shit-sandwich, and after you heap the typical tribulations of a personal life on top, there has to be a release. It’s normal to vent, and it’s necessary in order to return to a sense of normalcy.
In my own world here in the Donut, I’ve found it far more difficult to get past the toxicity of the star and oak leaf cluster club than any other source of stress in my life. Surely I’m not alone in this, because it seems like my peers and I are rowing the same boat up the proverbial shit creek without a paddle. The self-serving tactics of our administration have led quite a few to seek employment at other local agencies in the Donut area.
With folks leaving us for greener pastures, we have some openings. Misery loves company and we’re in need of some officers. As a guy who is always trying to help, I decided to try my hand at writing an accurate hiring notice for my agency in our search for new applicants.
The Donut County Police Department (DCPD) is currently seeking qualified candidates for vacant Patrol Officer positions. Applicants must be high school graduates who are at least 21 years of age with no felony convictions, serious misdemeanor or traffic convictions.
Applicants will benefit from participating in a hiring process with fewer applicants than ever before because few apply to an agency with a low starting pay and benefits package, as most potential applicants focus their efforts on less busy, higher-paying agencies that treat their employees like people rather than a bothersome burden.
Successful applicants can look forward to working in a fast-paced environment full of crackheads, heroin-addicted zombies, and piss-soaked drunk assholes. Tucked away in suburbia, the vast majority of the citizens will refuse to acknowledge the existence of any sort of criminal activity in the area and will constantly question law enforcement techniques used by the officer to combat these crimes while doing nothing to safeguard themselves or their own property.
The administration of the DCPD will determine everything for the newly hired officer, and will dictate shift lengths and shift placement for the duration of his or her employment, as seniority has no benefit to the tenured officer. Although no member of the administration has made an arrest or taken a report in decades, they have all become experts in their fields by attending two and three day leadership certification courses as evidenced by the framed certificates that cover their office walls and motivational leadership quotes on e-mail signature lines.
Officers will begin their careers in the Enforcement Division where they will be treated like unwanted step-children by members of the administration. They will not only report directly to their first line supervisors, but also to administrators, detectives, and civilian support personnel who actually do not fall within their chain of command.
Newly-hired officers will receive the latest equipment manufactured and distributed by the lowest bidder, to include dash cameras and body worn cameras which will be scrutinized by the administration every day. When the issued-equipment fails due to manufacturer defects, it will be replaced in at least a month by something that is equally poorly constructed, but only after the officer is accused of intentionally breaking it.
Officers are expected to live up to the highest standards of decisiveness, personal accountability, and professionalism while ignoring the inability of the administration to do the same. Although no one above the rank of Lieutenant will do so, officers will place work life before family life and other obligations and will only express gratitude for the opportunity to serve during those times.
Officers can expect policy changes to happen rapidly when they benefit the administration, and will find that policies will be used for blanket discipline any time an officer steps out of line as actually addressing an issue is expressly forbidden in practice. If a policy is discovered that may benefit the officer, it will be changed immediately or simply disregarded as an outdated practice.
The DCPD is an equal opportunity employer, and will place anyone without a penis at the top of the hiring list irregardless of qualifications, references, physical fitness, or experience. Anyone with a history of mental illness or instability will be eligible for our “White Shirt Development” administration preparation program in order to receive intensive training on how to function without a spine, underhanded management practices, and keeping a straight face while lying profusely.
Do you have what it takes to join DCPD? Please contact our truth-in-advertising recruiter, Donut County Cop, know via comment, e-mail, or Facebook!
So before I order up the brochures at the print shop, do I need to make any edits? Does this sound familiar to anyone else who wears a duty belt, badge, and uniform, or are we all alone at the DCPD?
In the meantime, it’s time to patrol the Donut…